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Quick Jokes

Actual Book Titles

Q & A

Why can't Helen Keller talk?
She's dead.

What do you get when you cross a nun with a computer?
A machine that never goes down on you.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

Bumper sticker:
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Either way, somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

What's the difference between Hugh Grant and Christopher Reeve's horse?
Hugh Grant has no problem jumping anything.

What was the last thing O.J. said to his wife?
"The waiter will be with you in a moment."

What did Ron Goldman say to Nicole when they got to heaven?
"Here's your damn glasses."

What goes tap, tap, tap, boom?
A blind man in a minefield.

What is Mary short for?
She's just got little legs.

How did they know Kurt Cobain had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders on the floor.

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will accept 3-1/2" floppy.

What's the difference between Microsoft Windows and a computer virus?
A virus does something.

What goes "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, splat, ding"?
A baby in a microwave.

What do you get get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
About halfway.

Did you hear about the unemployed gynecologist?
He couldn't find any openings.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get Holy Water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A Pachydermatologist.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a Zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

And More

Two atoms walk into a bar.
The first says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The second inquires, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "I'm positive."

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender greets him and asks, "How about a beer?"
Descartes, refined French gentleman that he is, puffs up and retorts, "I think not!"
He vanishes in a puff of logic.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender greets him and asks, "Why the long face?"

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin ....................................... and tonic."
The bartender says "What's with the big pause?"
The bear replies, looking down at his feet, "I dunno. My father had them, too."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables.
The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks.
He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?"
The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer.
The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know."
The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt."
The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"
The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A grasshopper hops into a bar.
The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The goldfish says, "Water."

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog.
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?".
The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!"
The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house.
Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!"
The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!"
The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?"
The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
The bartender said, "Yes, we do!"
"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

Blonde Jokes

How do you keep a blonde secretary busy?
Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
They can't fit 8 cups of water in that little envelope.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.