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Humor Archive
• Toilet Seat
• Five Stages of Drunkenness
• The Rules
• Make-out Spot
• Injured Tourist
• Penis Splint
• Yen vs. the Dollar
• Estrogen vs. Testosterone
• $200 for Breasts
• Head-Giving Monkey
• Logic
• New Priest
Barbie's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to you Santa, but it's definitely payback time!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999 ...
- A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
- Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and mold imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
- A real man. Hey, maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
- Arms that actually bend, so I can push the aforementioned Ken-Wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
- Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
- A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
- A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a Systems Analyst? Or better yet, a Public Relations Senior Account Exec!
- A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a mini container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray-on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
- No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
- Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's just that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Toilet Seat
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finishes, he heads to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down, and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show the predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
Five Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1: Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know that you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And of course the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are Smart.
Stage 2: Good Looking
This is when you realize that you are the Best Looking person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still Smart, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3: Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still Smart, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet cuz you are Rich. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the Best Looking person in the world.
Stage 4: Bulletproof
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are Smart, you are Rich, and hell, you're Better Looking than they are anyway!
Stage 5: Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because no one can see you. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still Smart you know all the words.
The Rules
- The female always makes The Rules.
- The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
- No male can possibly know all of The Rules.
- If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
- The female is never wrong.
- If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
- If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
- The female may change her mind at any time.
- The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
- The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
- The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
- The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- The male is expected to mind read at all times.
- The male who does not abide by the rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
- Any attempt to document the rules could result in bodily harm.
- If the female has PMS, all of the rules are null and void.
- The female is ready when she is ready.
- The male must be ready at all times.
Make-out Spot
While patrolling a late-night make-out spot, a cop drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. A young man was in the driver's seat, reading a magazine. A young woman in the backseat was knitting. The officer stopped to investigate, walked up to the driver's window, and tapped on it. The young man cranked it down. "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the backseat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
"She's knitting a sweater."
"How old are you, young fellow?"
"I'm 19."
"And how old is she?"
The fellow looked at his watch. "Well, in about 12 minutes," he said, "she'll be 18."
Injured Tourist
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer, being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent-mindedness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. First he examines the chickens. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"Never felt better in my entire life!!!" the tourist yelled back.
Penis Splint
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc says, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he takes 4 tongue depressors and forms a neat little four-sided bandage and wires it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them.
She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the crate!"
Yen vs. the Dollar
An Asian man walked into the Currency Exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week. The lady said "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, saying, "Well, fluc you Amelicans!"
Women Speak in Estrogen, Men Listen in Testosterone
[ half of these are wrong but they're funny anyway ]
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their i's with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their p's and g's. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has 6 items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on 'Beverly Hillbillies.' Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of 'Love, American Style.'
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony. Men talk about the bachelor party.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
Eating Out:
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche (or a Mercedes Roadster).
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use it to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: Money, Football, and Women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - Sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in 5 more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got 5 minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g.: "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No real cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys.", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely.", "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?", "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a girl's-night-out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's-night-out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos." or "Got any more beer?"
$200 for Breasts
A guy Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait here for him?"
"No, go ahead come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if you'd let me see just one."
Nora thinks about this for a sec and figures - what the hell for a hundred bucks, so she opens up her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and throws $100 on the table.
They sit there for a little while longer and then the friend turns to the wife again and says, "They're so beautiful I just have to see the other one too. I'll give you another hundred bucks if i could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about his new offer and figures - what the hell for another hundred bucks. So she opens up her robe and gives him a nice long look at both of her breasts. The friend thanks her, throws another $100 on the table, tells Nora that he can't wait any longer, and leaves.
Some time later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and then says, "Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
Head-Giving Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. He sets the monkey down on the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "What the hell do you have a monkey in here for? Get him outta here!"
The man replies, "But you don't understand. This monkey gives the best head you've ever had!"
"I don't care," the bartender retorts, "get him out!"
"Okay, let me prove it to ya. Take the monkey in the back and try him out."
So the bartender takes the monkey in back, and returns ten minutes later.
"I will give you $10,000 right now for this monkey!" the barkeep exclaims. The man agrees, takes the money, and walks out.
At the end of the day, the bartender takes the monkey home and sets him down on the kitchen table. His wife says, "What the hell do you have a monkey in here for? Get him outta here."
The barkeep replies, "Teach the monkey to cook and get the fuck out!"
Logic
A man is sitting at home and notices a new neighbor has just moved in across the street. Being a friendly guy, he decides to say hi. So he goes over and knocks on the door.
"Hi", the man says. "I'm your neighbor from across the street. Just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood." The new guy invites him in, and they chat for a while. The man asks the new guy what he does for a living.
"I'm a Professor at the University."
"Professor of what?"
"Professor of Logic?"
"What does that mean?"
"Well, I teach logic. I'll give you an example: Do you own a doghouse?"
"Why, yes I do."
"Well, then logic would dictate that you own a dog."
"Yes."
"A vast majority of dog owners also have families so you probably have a family?"
"I sure do."
"Okay, since you have a family, then you're probably heterosexual."
"That's for sure."
"You see, just by asking if you had a doghouse, I was able to ascertain that you were straight, by using logic."
Well, the man is impressed, and leaves his new neighbor to catch a bus downtown. At the bus stop, there is a young man smoking a cigarette. The young man turns to the guy and says, "The bus will get here right when i finish this cigarette." The young man finishes his cigarette 5 minutes later, and still no bus. The young man mumbles something about the fact that it's always worked before. The man says, "The reason it didn't work is because you weren't using logic." Seeing the puzzled look on the young man's face, he says, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a doghouse?"
"No, in fact, I don't."
"So you're gay?"
New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I'm worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not "bet his ass."
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C."
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, Junior, and Spook."
- David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him."
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say he was "stoned off his ass."
- We do not refer to the Cross as "the big T."
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry".
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
- Next Sunday there will be a Taffy-Pulling Contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling Contest at St. Taffy's.